Whether you’re married or thinking about saying “I do,” one truth is worth remembering: your spouse is not a fixer-upper.
At Christ Church in Montclair, New Jersey, Dr. David Ireland, pastor and organizational leadership expert, has long delivered biblically-rooted, practical guidance for healthy relationships. With more than 30 years of marriage to Pastor Marlinda Ireland under his belt, he speaks with wisdom, humility, and experience.
His advice? Stop trying to change your spouse—and start embracing who they already are.
Don’t Try to “Remodel” Your Partner
Many people enter marriage with the false hope that they can change their spouse’s flaws, habits, or even personality traits over time. But marriage isn’t a renovation project. Your partner is not a fixer-upper, and expecting them to be can breed resentment, distance, and disappointment.
Dr. Ireland emphasizes:
“When marriages fail, they have twice as many put-downs and criticisms. But healthy couples speak life into each other.”
Instead of focusing on how your spouse falls short, build them up. Encourage, praise, and love your partner as they are—not as who you want them to become.
Why Acceptance Is the Foundation of Lasting Love
The most powerful relationships are those where each partner feels seen, valued, and accepted. That doesn’t mean ignoring real problems, but it does mean loving without conditions.
According to Dr. Ireland, acceptance builds trust, while constant nitpicking creates emotional distance. Couples who thrive do so by honoring one another’s strengths, showing grace for imperfections, and investing in emotional connection.
When to Rethink a Relationship
In one of his sermons, Dr. Ireland also shares warning signs that may indicate you shouldn’t marry someone in the first place:
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You feel the need to change them before you commit
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You experience more criticism than celebration in the relationship
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Your values or visions for the future are not aligned
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You’re ignoring red flags in hopes they’ll “grow out of it”
If these sound familiar, it might be time to pause and reassess. Marriage won’t magically erase character issues—it often amplifies them.
Why This Matters for Your Finances Too
As a Money Coach, I’ve seen time and again how a strong marriage equals financial strength. Happy couples:
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Communicate better about money
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Make joint financial decisions more effectively
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Build shared goals and long-term plans
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Handle stress without turning on each other
By nurturing your relationship with empathy and emotional intelligence, you’re also creating the stability that supports career growth and financial well-being.
Who Is Dr. David Ireland?
Dr. David Ireland is the founder and senior pastor of Christ Church, a thriving multicultural community based in northern New Jersey. He holds a Ph.D. in Organizational Leadership and previously worked as a civil and mechanical engineer.
Dr. Ireland is also an author, leadership coach, and spiritual advisor to heads of state. His teachings blend biblical truth with practical insight, often delivering timeless principles with a dose of humor and clarity.
Final Thoughts: Choose Love, Not Perfection
A loving, thriving marriage isn’t built by fixing your spouse—it’s built by loving, accepting, and growing together. Take Dr. Ireland’s advice to heart: speak life into your partner, focus on shared values, and nurture the bond that brought you together in the first place.
You’ll find greater joy—not just in your relationship, but in every area of your life.
FAQs:
What does “your spouse is not a fixer-upper” mean?
It means you should not enter marriage hoping to change or remodel your partner. Love and acceptance, not control or correction, are the foundation of a healthy relationship.
Can people change in a marriage?
Yes, but change must be voluntary and self-motivated. You can inspire growth, but you can’t force transformation.
How do I deal with my spouse’s flaws?
Practice empathy, open communication, and mutual respect. Focus on building emotional intimacy rather than highlighting faults.
What are red flags before marriage?
Lack of trust, disrespect, constant criticism, mismatched values, and any form of emotional or physical abuse are clear red flags.
How does marriage affect finances?
Strong marriages promote financial transparency, goal-setting, and cooperation—factors that lead to better money decisions and financial security.
